TOW Monica Goes Home
by Monica-Bing
Summary: After a year away, Monica returns home to her friends...and Chandler. Final Part is now up!
1. Chapter One

Thanks for all the reviews for my last story! This one is not as good, but I figured I'd post it anyway. Hope you enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story.  
  
  
  
TOW Monica Goes Home  
  
  
  
"Monica, please come. It's been a year since any of us have seen you. And it's Rachel's birthday."  
  
"Ross, I don't know if I can. I don't think I can face…everything."  
  
"What, Chandler? He misses you like crazy, Mon. You should see him. I hate having to keep this a secret from him. If he knew I knew where you were…"  
  
"But you promised. You haven't told anyone, have you?" Ross noticed the sudden desperation in her voice, but tried to ignore it.  
  
"No…But that's all the more reason for you to come home. You owe it to your friends, Mon, especially Rach. You owe it to Chandler too. It hurt him as much as it hurt you. You can't just run away and pretend it never happened."  
  
"Trust me, Ross, that's not what I'm doing. I definitely haven't forgotten what happened. And I just can't deal with Chandler right now. It's - it's too much."  
  
"Are you going to let this come between you and your friends? Your own family? You and Chandler are one thing, and you know how I feel about that anyway, but there's no reason to push everyone else out of your life."  
  
"Ross, I don't want to. I miss all of you too. I just need some time."  
  
"And you won't even consider coming home for your best friend's birthday?"  
  
Monica sighed, trying not to feel guilty. "Ross, I just don't think…"  
  
"Just consider it. Please. For Rachel, if for no other reason."  
  
"Okay, okay. I'll think about it."  
  
"Great! Listen, I've already booked you a ticket."  
  
"Ross…"  
  
"No, Mon, listen. It's for 10:30 tomorrow morning. You can pick it up at the airport, if you decide to come. If you don't…then that's okay. But I'll be there to pick you up if you decide to come. That way, you'll have a day or two to see everyone again before the party."  
  
"Fine, Ross. We'll see."  
  
"Okay. I hope I'll see you tomorrow then. Love you, Mon."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
Monica slowly hung up the phone and sat down on the couch. She'd never admit it to her brother, but she missed New York. She missed her friends. She even missed Chandler. She hated it in Minneapolis. It wasn't so much the city itself…She just wanted to be home. She glanced around her small apartment, and couldn't help but sigh as she thought about the one she used to share with Chandler. He still lived there, but she had left it behind. She had left him behind.   
  
After a moment, she went to her small desk and opened a drawer. She pulled out a picture of the six of them, sitting on the couch in Central Perk. They were all smiling at the camera, and she was sitting on Chandler's lap. They both looked so happy. So in love. And now, it had been a year since she had seen or spoken to her former fiancé. She couldn't believe that after everything they had shared, it had come to this. She wiped away her tears as she wondered what he thought of all this. She believed Ross when he told her he hadn't said a word to anyone about where she was, but she wondered how he managed to keep it a secret. Between Chandler and Rachel, she had expected him to break months ago.   
  
She sighed as she replaced the picture in the drawer and walked into her room. She knew that even if she spent the whole night contemplating her decision, she wouldn't be able to come up with a good enough reason not to go. She might as well pack now and try to get some sleep. As much as she dreaded it, she was going home tomorrow.  
  
  
  
  
Ross stood in front of the gate and scanned the arriving passengers anxiously. As much as he hoped she would be on the flight, he had prepared himself to be disappointed. He knew his sister well, and when she made up her mind about something, it was hard to change it. Even when everyone - even Monica - knew she was wrong.  
  
He had come alone. He hadn't wanted to get anyone's hopes up just to disappoint them. Besides, if he told anyone he had talked to Monica, they would know he knew where she was. And as much as he hated lying to his parents and friends, he respected Monica's wishes and was careful not to raise suspicions. He knew Rachel well enough to know she wouldn't rest until he told. And the others would try their own methods to get the secret out of him. Phoebe would undoubtedly try to hypnotize him. Joey would pout and whine about how much he missed Monica, trying to make Ross feel guilty. And Chandler…Ross knew that he would do almost anything to find out where Monica was. But no one had any idea that he knew.  
  
Just as Ross was about to give up, he saw a dark head emerge from the tunnel. He pushed his way through the passengers that were greeting loved ones, and tried to get a better look. When she raised her head, she looked directly at him and smiled. Ross smiled back and enveloped his sister in a warm hug, not wanting to let go. When he did, Monica smiled at him again, and brushed away a tear.  
  
"Hey Ross. Bet you weren't expecting me to actually show up, were you? Well, you know I love to take every opportunity to prove you wrong."  
  
"Mon, I'm so glad you're here. Everyone'll be so excited to see you!"  
  
He saw apprehension flash in her eyes and wondered what she was thinking. But she only smiled bravely and gave him a slight nod.   
  
"Let's get it over with then."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Yeah, she's here, Dad… I know, I should have told you, but I wasn't sure she was coming… Yes, yes, I promise. We'll be over in a little while… Yeah, I think she wants to shower first… Yes…yes… No, I don't think so. She'll just talk to you when we get there… Dad, she's still kind of emotional… Yes, I'll tell her…Really… Dad, the sooner you hang up, the sooner I'll be there with her… Okay…Okay…Yeah, bye."  
  
Ross turned to Monica, who was standing at this window, absently looking up at her old apartment and paying no attention to Ross's conversation with their father. She snapped to attention when he spoke.  
  
"Dad says to tell you he loves you and to hurry on over."  
  
Monica didn't turn to look at him, but kept her eyes on the window of Apartment 20.   
  
"Yeah, can't wait. Mom will have plenty to say about my disappearing act, I'm sure."  
  
"Come on, Mon. She'll be so happy to see you."  
  
"But she'll still lecture me, like she always does."  
  
Ross came over to her and put his hands on her shoulders. "Mon, you know that I'm behind you 100%. But, you did just run off and leave…everyone."  
  
Monica nodded, agreeing with him. "I know. Believe me, I know."  
  
Ross was quiet for a minute, watching her. When he spoke, his voice was sad.  
  
"He's not there, Mon."  
  
Monica turned, her eyes defiant.  
  
"What makes you think I was looking for him? That used to be my apartment you know. Maybe I miss it."  
  
Ross looked at her, his eyes telling her that he didn't believe her. After a moment, he continued as if she hadn't spoken.  
  
"He's hardly ever there. He barely even sleeps there. And when he does, he sleeps in the guest room. He can't stand that apartment."  
  
Monica turned away from him and sat down on the couch, staring at her hands. She got the implication of the words. Chandler hated living in their apartment without her.   
  
"Why doesn't he move then?" Before she even said the words, she knew what Ross's answer would be.  
  
"He keeps hoping you'll come back…"  
  
Monica studied her fingers, remembering what his ring had looked like on her left hand. She shook herself and glanced at Ross.  
  
"Just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm back, Ross. Okay?"  
  
Ross nodded silently and looked toward his best friend's apartment. He knew that Chandler would be shocked to see Monica, and he didn't want to have to deal with that right now. He didn't think Monica would object if they put it off altogether, but Ross wasn't going to let her off that easy. Chandler deserved that much, at least. Ross sincerely hoped Monica wouldn't break his heart all over again.  
  
"We should get going. Mom and Dad will kill me if I don't bring you straight to them."  
  
Monica nodded and wearily put on her coat. She dreaded the coming encounter, but not nearly as much as she dreaded having to look into Chandler's eyes again.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Thank God that's over." Monica slumped onto the couch in Ross's apartment and glanced at her brother. "You'd think she'd at least act happy to see me. Even if she's not."  
  
"She is, Mon. Really. Everyone has been so, so worried about you. Which reminds me, are you ready to go see everyone else?"  
  
Monica looked away and took a deep breath before she nodded.   
  
"I know I have to…But, Ross, do you think he's with them? I would much rather see Joey, Phoebe, and Rach first, before I have to see him. I don't think I can take it all at once."  
  
Ross nodded and went to the phone. He dialed Rachel and Joey's apartment, and spoke to Joey.  
  
"Hey Joe, it's me… Is Chandler there? Really, okay that's great. I need to talk to you guys. It's about Monica… I'll be over in a minute… Yeah… Okay, bye." Ross turned back to Monica, and handed her her coat. "Let's go. Chandler's working late tonight."  
  
Monica stood up slowly, and tried to get control of herself. She had never felt so many conflicting emotions. She couldn't wait to see her friends again, and she knew they would be happy to see her. But she was nervous too. After what had happened, she wasn't sure how they would react to her.   
  
In a few minutes, Ross was knocking on the door of Joey and Rachel's apartment. Monica tried to keep her eyes averted from the door across the hallway, but it was impossible. She wanted to cry as she thought about all the memories that were locked behind that door. She shrugged away her thoughts and turned around just as Rachel opened the door.  
  
"Ross, what do-" She stopped short when she saw Monica standing next to Ross, her face revealing her uncertainty. Before Monica could open her mouth, Rachel had lunged at her and was hugging her fiercely.   
  
"Monica! Oh my God, you're back! You're back!"  
  
As soon as Joey and Phoebe heard her name, they ran to the door. Joey joined the hug, trying to hold in his tears, but Phoebe stood back, shocked, unable to speak. When Monica finally freed herself of Rachel and Joey, she looked at Phoebe, tears running down her face, unsure of what to do. After a long moment, Phoebe finally smiled and hugged her, trying to get over her shock long enough to welcome her friend.   
  
"Hey Phoebs." Monica's voice was soft, still unsure. Phoebe pulled back and looked at her for a moment before she turned and made her way into the living room, motioning for the others to follow her. Rachel held Monica back for a second and hugged her again.  
  
"Where were you? We were so worried."  
  
"I know, Rach. But I had to go. Come sit down, and I'll explain."  
  
Rachel nodded and followed Monica to the couch. As she sat down, she caught Phoebe's eye. She was surprised at the look on Phoebe's face. She didn't look very happy to see Monica. Rachel quickly realized that it wasn't Monica Phoebe was thinking about, but Chandler. Rachel sunk down onto the couch, apprehension coming over her in a sudden wave. She wasn't sure what was going on, but Monica was back. And that meant that both she and Chandler would have to deal with the events of the past. That might very well send Monica running back to wherever she had been for the past year. And she really didn't think Chandler could take it if she left again.  
  
  
  
  
  
"So, that's about it. I don't really like Minneapolis, but I have an okay job, and a decent apartment. I missed you guys though."  
  
"Oh, Mon, we missed you too. But why did you leave in the first place? Especially without explaining it to anyone…"  
  
Monica looked down at her hands, knowing that now that the inevitable question had been posed, she was going to have to answer. She couldn't just put her friends off with a simple excuse. They knew what had happened, and she was sure they knew that was at least partly behind it. But she was also sure that they agreed with Ross - that it was no reason to leave, and that she had been wrong to walk out on Chandler and the rest of them. Before she could answer, the door to the apartment opened, and a familiar voice rang out.  
  
"Hey guys, you wanna order pi-" He stopped a couple of steps into the apartment and stared at the scene before him. There were his friends - all of them. Ross had a guilty expression on his face, and Phoebe looked awfully worried. Joey was grinning, and so was Rachel, but she also looked a little worried. Between them sat Monica, her head bowed, not looking at him.  
  
"M-Mon…" He reached for something, anything, to help him keep his balance. He managed to find the counter and leaned against it heavily, trying to process the fact that Monica was here, in the room with him. He was aware of nothing but her as she slowly turned to look at him, her eyes filling with tears.   
  
"Hi."  
  
As soon as her eyes met his, Chandler snapped back to reality and he crossed the room in three strides, pulling her into his arms and hugging her tightly.  
  
"Monica…You're here. You're back. Oh, how I missed you." He continued rambling senselessly as he kissed her face and hair, afraid that if he let her go, she'd leave again. It was the last thing Monica had expected him to do, and she let herself be held for a moment. She pushed him away long before he was ready to let her go, afraid that if she stayed in his arms any longer, she'd break down completely. Chandler reluctantly allowed her to pull away and gazed at her silently, trying to read her face. A shadow passed over his eyes when she looked away, and he glanced toward Rachel, hoping for a sign from her. She simply shrugged her shoulders, indicating that she didn't have any answers either. Chandler turned back to Monica and gently turned her face towards him, forcing her to look at him. He touched her face gently, and sighed.  
  
"Monica, I was so worried about you. You don't know how much I've missed you. Where have you been?"  
  
"Minneapolis."   
  
Chandler looked at her for another moment, his eyes asking her questions she couldn't answer just yet. The familiar look of compassion on his face was almost all she could take. She turned away from him, and returned to her spot on the couch. Chandler stayed where he was, watching her, feeling as if he couldn't look at her enough. But Monica was looking anywhere but at him.   
  
Chandler sighed deeply and moved away from her. His relief at seeing her safe and healthy was beginning to subside, and was replaced with the familiar feeling of betrayal that he had felt every day for a year. He didn't know why she was acting so distant. He hadn't done anything wrong. She was the one that had left so abruptly, shattering his already broken heart. And now she was back, and it appeared that SHE was the one angry with HIM. He looked at his friends, who were watching both of them carefully, and closed his eyes. He didn't know what he was supposed to do now. No one else was saying a word. His head was spinning and he was more confused than he'd ever been. Finally, he turned and wordlessly walked back out the door, not even glancing back at the solemn group that still sat in silence.   
  
They watched him leave, knowing that he needed some time to himself. Monica kept her eyes on her hands in her lap, not wanting to see the look of reproach she was sure was evident in all of their eyes.  
  
After a few moments of silence, Rachel stood up.  
  
"He won't want to be alone over there."  
  
She walked out slowly, and they could hear her knock on the door and open it quietly. Ross moved over to sit beside Monica, and put his arm around her.  
  
"Mon, you're going to have to talk to him."  
  
She took a deep breath and looked up. She saw the pain in Joey's eyes, but she knew that he was sympathizing with her as much as he was with Chandler. Phoebe also looked concerned, and she knew Ross felt the pressure as much as anyone. She nodded slowly and closed her eyes.  
  
"I know, Ross. I just…I don't know what to say to him."  
  
"Well, you should start thinking about it, Mon. You can't just leave things like this."  
  
"I know I can't. And I don't want to, Ross. But…how can he ever forgive me? Not only for leaving, but for what made me leave?"  
  
  
  
  
"Chandler?" Rachel walked into the apartment hesitantly, looking for her friend. He wasn't in the living room, so she checked her old room, which Chandler used as his own. He wasn't there either. Rachel was starting to get worried. She turned and glanced out at the balcony, but it was empty. She walked slowly to the bedroom Chandler and Monica had shared, and opened the door. He was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, tears running steadily down his face.   
  
Rachel went to him and sat down carefully on the edge of the bed.  
  
"You okay, Chandler?"  
  
Chandler slowly shook his head and turned onto his side, his back to Rachel.  
  
"How can she do it, Rach? She leaves for a year, without any word to anyone, and when she comes back, she won't even look at me. I thought she was supposed to love me."  
  
Rachel sat silently, not really knowing what to do. She hesitantly reached out and laid her hand on his shoulder, wondering what she should say. She had seen him cry - lots - over the past year, but it still broke her heart to see him so hopeless.   
  
"Chandler, I know how much she hurt you. But it was hard for her too. Maybe running was the only way she could deal with it. But she's here now, and as hard as it is for you, just imagine how difficult it must have been for her to face us again. To face YOU again, Chandler."  
  
"She's the one that left. She's the one that broke MY heart. She left me here, to live in this apartment that used to hold all of our dreams for a life together, and she took off to…what did she say, Minneapolis? What the hell's in Minneapolis? I wanted to work through it. No matter what happened, our relationship was strong enough to survive. I LOVE her, Rach. And after all that's happened, she just pushed me away - again."  
  
"I'm sorry, sweetie. Maybe she'll be ready soon. I think she was a little surprised to see you back there, and maybe she was just in shock."  
  
Chandler rolled over to face Rachel, a little angry. "And I wasn't? You don't think it shocked me to walk into your apartment and see her sitting there as if none of this ever happened? Like she never LEFT? My fiancée walked out of this apartment with no explanation, with only a kiss on the cheek and her ring in my hand. I want to know why. She has to tell me how she could leave after she promised to love me forever. I won't let her just walk out of here again without telling me."  
  
As Rachel hugged him, they both heard the door to the apartment open and close. A moment later, Monica stood in the doorway, her eyes red from tears and her smile forced.  
  
"Rach, can you, um, give us some time alone?"  
  
Rachel nodded and squeezed Chandler's hand as she got up to leave. She hugged Monica as she walked past her, and whispered quietly in her ear so Chandler couldn't hear.  
  
"He loves you, Mon…"  
  
Monica stared after her, unwilling to believe that after everything she had done, Chandler could possibly still love her. She turned back to Chandler, who was lying still on the bed, his face expressionless and his eyes focused on the ceiling. She watched him for a moment, trying not to remember the many times she had watched him sleep as they lay in the bed together. When she spoke, her voice was so quiet he could barely hear her.  
  
"Ross told me you slept in the other room."  
  
Chandler sat up and turned toward her, still careful to avoid her eyes.  
  
"I do."  
  
Monica forced herself to walk over to him and sit down beside him. No matter how much she dreaded it, they had to talk. She knew Chandler would never let her off easy and start the conversation himself, so that meant it was up to her. She took a deep breath, willing her heart to stop racing.  
  
"Chandler…I'm sorry."  
  
He didn't respond to that. She hadn't really expected him to. Even to her, "sorry" sounded trite and petty. But she didn't know any other way to start the conversation.  
  
"I'm sorry, for everything. I'm sorry for leaving the way I did. I'm sorry for not giving you an explanation. I'm sorry for not telling you where I was, or that I was okay. And I'm sorry for coming back the way I did. I should have warned you. But, to tell you the truth, I wasn't ready. I didn't know what to say to you…I still don't. But, please believe that I didn't do any of it with the intention of hurting you."  
  
Chandler sighed and glanced at her. She was crying. He hated to see her cry. It took all the strength he had to keep from pulling her into his arms. He couldn't do that. He wouldn't do that. After a moment of silence, Monica continued, her voice shaking slightly.  
  
"I know you were hurting too. But I, I couldn't take it, Chandler. I had to get away from here, and from everything that reminded me. And as much as I hated it, you reminded me most. It killed me to leave you. But if I had stayed, I felt like I would have exploded or something. It just hurt too much to be here."  
  
"I hate it here, too. But not because of that. I hate it because everything, every single thing in this apartment, reminds me of you. And if I think about you, I think about how the woman I loved more than life left me when I needed her most. And then I just…collapse, Mon. It's like you literally took my strength with you."  
  
"Chandler…"  
  
"No, Mon. I'm going to talk for a minute. And you're going to listen, because YOU'RE the one that left ME. If you think that I wasn't hurting too, you are wrong. So, so wrong. When we lost the baby, my heart broke just as much as yours did. But I was trying to be strong, for you. And in return, you walked into the kitchen with a suitcase and handed me your engagement ring. Do you have any idea how much that hurt me? My heart was already broken, Mon. Then you just ripped it right out and took it with you. Do you have any idea how it feels to watch the only person you've ever given your heart to walk out without even looking back? DO YOU?"  
  
"No. I don't. But you have to understand-"  
  
"No, YOU have to understand. I laid awake every night, wondering where you were, whether you were okay, if you were missing me, if you still loved me, if you EVER loved me. Do you have any idea what I went through? God, Mon, I can't sleep in this room. I can't even stand to be in here. I stay over at Joey and Rachel's every second I can, because every time I walk into this place, I'm reminded of how happy we were supposed to be. And then I remember just how happy I'm NOT."  
  
"Chandler, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking straight when I left. After what happened-"  
  
Chandler broke in angrily. "Say it, Mon. I don't think I've ever heard you actually say what "it" is that happened. Say the words. We lost our baby."  
  
"I had a miscarriage. There, Chandler, I said it!"  
  
"WE. Both of us. And it was a baby. OUR baby. WE lost our BABY, Mon. Say it."  
  
"We, we…" Monica stuttered to a stop, realizing that he was right. She hadn't even said the word "baby" since the miscarriage. Her tears turned to sobs and she buried her face in her hands. Chandler sat beside her, helpless, his anger gone. After a moment, he tentatively reached out and brushed a hand against her hair. He hesitated only a second before he pulled her into his arms. Monica clung to him like he was her lifeline as he stroked her hair and tried to get her to calm down. He was sorry that he had reopened old wounds, but he was almost glad he had. They would never be able to talk about what happened between them without talking about the child they had lost. He didn't realize she would still be so traumatized by the experience. It had happened more than a year ago. But it was obvious that she hadn't let herself get over it yet.  
  
"Mon, please don't cry. Please. I'm sorry."  
  
Monica jerked upright and stared at him, her eyes wide with shock.  
  
"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Chandler. Nothing. So don't apologize to me."  
  
"I shouldn't have forced you. I should have known you weren't ready…"  
  
Monica took a deep breath and looked at him. She reached for his hand, needing his strength, and rubbed her thumb over his fingers before she looked at him again.  
  
"We, we lost our baby." She closed her eyes tightly and swallowed away tears. "We lost our baby, Chandler. You're right, that's the first time I said it. I covered it up in the technical terms, so I wouldn't have to face it. Because admitting it was more than I could stand."  
  
She opened her eyes slowly and looked at him. Chandler was crying too, his shoulders shaking slightly. She placed a hand on his arm, wishing she could wrap her arms around him and try to comfort him. Instead she sat silently beside him, trying to get control of her own tears. She hated sitting next to him while he cried, and Chandler couldn't believe that he wasn't reaching out to hold her, to comfort her. But they stayed where they were, each wrapped in their own pain, isolated from each other.   
  
It had been a long time since Chandler had cried about the baby. He hadn't forgotten by any means, but after Monica left, he concentrated more on his pain over losing her, since he felt there was something he could do about that, even if he had no idea what. But now the wound had been reopened. He knew it hadn't healed for either of them, because they hadn't been able to deal with it together. Monica left before they ever really got a chance to talk about it. Now, here they were. And as far as he was concerned, it wasn't helping anything. He knew that he couldn't sit there with her much longer without losing it. And he was afraid of the direction his loss of control might take.  
  
"Mon, listen. I think we should both leave this for now. We WILL talk about it. And you will give me some answers about why you left. But I know I'm still in shock, seeing you again, and I'm afraid I'll say something I'll regret. And I think you need to get some rest. I'm sure you've had a long, emotional day."  
  
Monica looked at him, her eyes sad. He closed his eyes against them, ignoring the ache he felt. He wanted to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her how much he still loved her, but he was still too hurt and angry to reach out to her.  
  
"Monica, you have to promise me that you won't leave again. Not until we talk about… everything. Us. Promise."  
  
Monica sighed and nodded. "I promise."  
  
"Good. I'll go get Ross. I assume you're staying with him?"  
  
"Uh, yeah. I guess."  
  
Chandler nodded. He wanted to offer her old bedroom, but he knew he would never be able to stay in the same apartment with her tonight. Still, it didn't seem right. It had been her apartment after all. But he swallowed the words before he could say them and got off the bed.  
  
"I'll be back with Ross in a minute."  
  
Monica watched him leave the room, and lay back on the bed. Her room…She had slept here for years. And for the last two and a half, she had shared it with Chandler. They had been happy… She'd never imagined that their relationship would turn into this.  
  
  
  
  
  
They all looked up expectantly when Chandler walked in. His red eyes and tear-stained face told them as much as anything else could. He flopped down in his chair and looked at them.  
  
"Yes, we talked. No, we didn't talk about everything. I think we both need some time to get ready for that, so I left. Ross, she's pretty upset, so I would just take her home. Tell her I'll come over tomorrow, okay?"  
  
Ross nodded, and got up to leave. Rachel stood up, too.  
  
"I'll go with you. She might need me."  
  
Chandler shot Rachel a half-grateful look. He knew that it would be easier for Monica to talk to Rachel than Ross. And as much as she had hurt him, he still felt the need to take care of her. If he couldn't, Ross and Rachel were the next best thing. There was no one he would sooner trust Monica with than her brother and best friend.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chandler waited until Rachel came back and assured him that Monica would be okay before crossing the hall to his own apartment. He grabbed a Diet Coke out of the fridge, and silently cursed Monica for giving him the diet habit. Better a soda than beer, he thought wryly, knowing that if he started drinking tonight, he wouldn't stop.   
  
He walked over to the window seat and sat down, gazing out the window thoughtfully. She was here. Right across the street from him. If she came to the window of Ross's apartment, he'd be able to see her. The thought gave him a warm feeling, but he pushed it away. He was relieved to know she was okay. But in a way, that almost made it hurt more. Because if she was safe, it meant that she had purposely let him wonder. She could have called him, told him where she was, that she was safe. He didn't let himself try to come up with excuses for her. He'd done that too often, and it only made everything worse.   
  
He stood up and took the small box out of the hollow seat, where Monica had once hidden their Christmas presents. He sat back down and looked at the shoebox for a moment, wondering if he should open it. It had remained closed since he had put the items into the box a couple of days after Monica left. But now, he felt the need to reconnect with his past. He slowly pulled the top off and stared inside, his eyes filling with tears again as he started to remember the events that the small objects represented.  
  
A book of matches from the London Marriott. The sock bunny and card she had given him on their first Valentine's Day. A broken key, bent and misshapen, that had lodged in her door when he tried to christen it. A pair of dice, taped together so that fours were showing on both - if you turned it right. A note she had left him one morning when she didn't want to wake him, telling him that she loved him and would miss him all day. There were several pictures of them together, both smiling and happy.  
  
Chandler sighed as he pulled out the next object. Her ring. The ring he had placed on her finger, intending for it to remain there forever. He could still remember the look on her face when she slid it off her finger and pressed it into his hand. He opened the velvet box and looked at it, remembering how many times he had looked at it in the days before he proposed, and how devastated he had been when he thought she would choose Richard. Then he imagined her face when she said yes, and how his heart had literally stopped beating for a second.   
  
He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall, wondering if it had been a good idea to look through this sacred box again. He knew what was left, and he wasn't sure he could bear to hold the tiny items in his hands again. But he also felt that he had to finish what he started. With shaking hands, he reached into the box and pulled out the bag that he had brought home to Monica, the day after she told him she was pregnant. He held it in his lap for a moment, remembering how he had felt when she said those words…  
  
  
Flashback  
  
"Mon? Honey, I'm home!"  
Monica walked out of their bedroom and over to Chandler. She greeted him with a kiss, then took his hands.  
"Sweetie, come sit down."  
"Okay… What are you smiling about? Did something happen at work today?"  
"No, not at work. But I do have something I want to tell you."  
"Well…what?"  
Monica pushed him down into the armchair and sat down in his lap, her grin widening. Chandler wrapped his arms around her waist and reached up to kiss her, his mind busy trying to figure out what her news could be. It was obviously good. He hadn't seen her smile so big since they got engaged. Monica returned the kiss, then caressed his cheek with one hand.  
"I love you, you know that?"  
Chandler smiled. He was always amazed to hear her say those words, even after all this time.   
"I know. Not that it doesn't still surprise me, but I know. I love you too."  
"And now there's going to be someone else for us to love. Chandler, sweetie, we're having a baby!"  
End Flashback  
  
We're having a baby. A baby. The words reverberated in his head, just as they had on the day she told him. He had stared at her, shocked, for just a minute, before jumping up with her in his arms and swinging her around the room. At that moment, none of his commitment issues had mattered. He hadn't been scared. In fact, he had never been happier. He had wanted the baby immediately, with all his heart.   
  
He opened the bag slowly and pulled out the tiny items he had presented to Monica the next day. She had cried, of course, just as he was crying now. The tiny pair of shoes had looked so cute in the store, and Chandler hadn't been able to resist them. He had bought a bib that said "Mommy's a good cook…" and Monica had laughed and hugged him. And then there was his favorite. When Monica pulled the onesie out of the bag, she had stood silently, looking at the little outfit and smiling softly. When she finally looked up, she had kissed him and whispered a "thank you" in his ear. He knew it wasn't for the clothes, but for what he had given her, and for what he was willing to give their child. His heart.  
  
He ran his fingers over the letters on the front of the soft material. "My daddy loves me…" He broke down into sobs, clutching the tiny outfit in his big hands. Their future had seemed so bright back then, and now they were apart, both hurting. He didn't know why things had turned out the way they had, but he desperately wanted both of them to be happy again…  
  
  
  
  
  
Monica bid Rachel goodbye and closed the door behind her. She was relieved that Rachel didn't seem to hold a grudge on Chandler's behalf. They hadn't really talked much, but Monica was grateful that Rachel had at least made an effort.   
  
She walked into Ross's kitchen and looked for something to eat. Her nerves had prevented any kind of appetite all day, but now that it was over - for now - she was starving. He found some leftover chicken and rice and popped it into the microwave.   
  
"Hey, Ross, you want some of this chicken?"  
  
She could hear him shuffling around in his room, probably trying to find sheets for the couch.  
  
"No, I'm fine Mon! Help yourself!"  
  
Monica grabbed a soda out of the fridge and walked out into the living room. She never ate on the couch…but this was Ross's apartment, not hers. She sat down and started to eat, her mind drifting straight to Chandler.   
  
He looked the same. She didn't know why, but she had expected something different. But he didn't look any different than he had when she left. She wondered what she looked like to him. She was glad that she had put on a few pounds in the past couple of months. She had lost a lot of weight after the miscarriage. She just never felt like eating. She knew that if her friends had seen her, they would have been worried. That was part of the reason she hadn't called. She didn't think she could stand having five extra people trying to control her.   
  
But his eyes had been different. She was used to the sweet blue eyes that looked at her with nothing but love. Now, they were bitter. Hurt. Sad. Condemning.  
  
She knew it was her fault. He was right. She should have stayed, and they should have worked through the pain of losing their child together. But she hadn't, and she wasn't sure she could have anyway. She knew Chandler wouldn't understand the way she felt, and she hadn't given him a chance to try. The look in his eyes tonight was what she was hoping to avoid when she left. But now there was nowhere for her to run.  
  
She sat her bowl down on Ross's apothecary table and stood up. She walked over to the window and looked up at the dark window of their apartment. She quietly whispered that she loved him and blew a kiss toward the darkened window. She should be there with him. But she wasn't. She was sure he would never want her there again. Their chance at happiness was gone, and as much as she hated to admit it, she was the one that had thrown it away…  
  
  
  
  
  
Chandler woke up in a cold sweat, tears running down his face. The dream was so familiar, but it still terrified him. The dream was the same every time. They were picnicking on the top of some cliff, watching the ocean break on the rocks below them. He would always lean over to kiss her before he got up, and walked back to the car for something. He was never quite sure what. When he turned around, Monica was standing at the edge of the cliff, gazing out at the sunset. He would walk toward her, but just before he reached her, she disappeared. It didn't seem like she went over the cliff, but more like evaporated. He reached the spot where she was standing only to find her engagement ring on the ground at his feet. And each time, as he leaned over to pick up the ring, he felt himself falling over the cliff. He woke up before he hit the water.  
  
Each time, he woke up and automatically reached for Monica, to comfort himself by holding her in his arms. And each time, he felt only a cold pillow and an empty bed. This time, though, at least he knew she was okay. She was in the building next door, in Ross's care. The thought helped him relax, and he fought the urge to go over there now and reassure himself. There was no reason to wake up both the Gellers just because he'd had a bad dream. And he knew that if he saw her now, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from kissing her, declaring his love for her, and falling onto his knees to beg her to stay.  
  
He got out of the bed and went to get a glass of water. As he passed by the window, he glanced down toward Ross's apartment. The drapes were closed and the window was dark. He pressed his fingers against his lips and silently sent her a kiss goodnight, then continued on into the kitchen.  
  
  
  
  
  
Monica was sitting on the couch, waiting for the knock when it came. She slowly walked to the door and opened it, revealing him on the other side. He was wearing her favorite shirt. He looked at her a minute, then gave her a small smile as he walked past her into the apartment.  
  
"Did you sleep well?"  
  
His solicitous tone sounded forced, and she wondered what he was really thinking.   
  
"Uh, yeah, fi-" She stopped and thought about it for a second before she continued. "No, no, not really."  
  
Chandler nodded, pleased that she was at least being honest with him. As much as he dreaded what was about to come, it would be a lot easier if they both at least tried to be honest.  
  
"Me neither. But then, I haven't slept all that well in about a year now."  
  
She gazed at him steadily, and he looked away, slightly ashamed of himself.  
  
"Sorry. Cheap shot, I know."  
  
Monica sat down on Ross's couch, and he sat next to her, both of them wondering what they were supposed to say next. The silence became increasingly uncomfortable, until Chandler finally stood up and turned to her, his face expressionless.  
  
"So, why Minneapolis, Mon?"  
  
Monica looked up at him and shrugged. His breath caught at the wide innocence in her eyes. "It was the first flight out."  
  
Chandler paused and ran his hands through his hair. He turned away, his voice slightly softer, sadder.  
  
"You were that anxious to get away?"  
  
Monica looked down at her hands, wondering how she should answer that.   
  
"Yes…yes, I was that anxious to get away. I was afraid if I waited, you would find me and make me stay. And I couldn't do that. I would've made you miserable."  
  
"And you avoided that by leaving me behind and making me wonder if I'd ever see the woman I loved again."  
  
She sighed at the sarcasm in his voice, but didn't comment. She deserved it.   
  
"Did you come after me?" Her voice suddenly sounded lost, almost wistful. Chandler turned to look at her, trying to read the expression on her face. She looked squarely back at him, her eyes questioning, wanting an answer.  
  
"Yeah." He bowed his head, avoiding her eyes. "Yeah. But you were nowhere in sight."  
  
Monica watched him for a moment, a lump in her throat. He had gone after her. The simple words made her heart soar, but the look on his face quickly brought her back to reality. His pain was evident, and she hated herself for putting that look on his face all over again. She stood slowly and took a step toward him, placing her hand on his arm and lifting his chin with a finger so she could look at him.  
  
"I'm sorry. You know that I'm sorry, don't you? Chandler, if I had been in my right mind, I NEVER would have left you. Don't you know that I hate having to watch you hurt and knowing that I'm the reason?"  
  
Chandler looked at her for a moment, his eyes watery. For a split second, Monica saw a familiar look in his eyes, but it disappeared as quickly as it had come. He shrugged away from her touch, and turned his back again, trying to get control of his emotions.   
  
"I know you're sorry, Monica. You don't have to keep telling me. I believe you, okay? But I don't care what you feel now. We'll deal with that later. What I need to know is WHY. Why did you leave? What made you think that leaving was a better option than staying here - with me, Mon? Did you really have so little faith in our relationship? In ME?"  
  
"No!" Monica involuntarily took a step toward him and reached out to touch his arm again. "No, Chandler, it wasn't you at all. It wasn't ever you. Of COURSE I had faith in you. You have never let me down, Chandler, not ever. Did you really think that was why I left? Because of you?"  
  
Chandler sat back down on the couch and glanced at her before burying his face in his hands.   
  
"Why else? As many times as I've gone over and over it in my head, I've never been able to come up with any other reason that made sense."  
  
"Chandler..." She sat down on the apothecary table in front of him and took his hands in hers. "I left because I let you down, not the other way around."  
  
Chandler lifted his head and looked at her in disbelief. "What do you mean, Monica? What did you do to let me down?"  
  
"You have to ask?"  
  
"Monica, WHAT are you talking about?"  
  
"The day of the miscarriage, I had cramps. I thought it was just because I had eaten, and was really busy in the kitchen at work. I didn't even know I was bleeding… But it started hurting so badly, and I-"  
  
She stopped suddenly, and stared at him, her eyes filling quickly with tears and sobs choking her. "If I had just paid more attention. If I hadn't moved the pots. If I hadn't carried the groceries. If I had just stayed home…We'd have our baby, Chandler. He would be here with us, alive and healthy, if I had just taken better care of him."  
  
She broke down completely, and Chandler wrapped his arms around her, stunned. He couldn't believe what she had just told him. He knew she was terribly upset about losing the baby, and he had seen that she was having a hard time coping with their loss, but he had no idea that she had been blaming herself all this time. He understood that it was something that happened sometimes, and he thought she did too. But now she was telling him that she thought it was all her fault.  
  
"Mon…Monica, look at me." He tilted her head up so he could see her eyes. She opened them reluctantly, and gazed at him silently.  
  
"Monica, none of that was your fault. Sweetie, you had no idea what was happening. If you did, I KNOW you would have done everything you could to save our baby. And once anything happened to make you realize something was wrong, it was too late. You didn't do anything to make it happen. And you aren't a bad mother because it did. Mon, please. You can't blame yourself for this. It was out of your control."  
  
"But Chandler-"  
  
He interrupted, his voice strong but compassionate. "Listen to me. I do not blame you for the miscarriage. Do you hear me, Mon? I don't. I never did. You did not let me down, and you didn't let our child down. There was nothing, NOTHING, you could have done. You heard the doctors tell you that. I know that it's a mother's extinct to want to take absolute care of their baby, honey, but some things are out of even a mother's control. And this situation is one of those. It just… happened, Mon. It had nothing to do with you. Believe me, babe. Please."  
  
Monica collapsed into his arms, and he held her close, stroking her hair and crying with her. He didn't know what else to say to make her believe him. He couldn't help but think if she had stayed with him, he could have told her all this a long time ago. But he refused to let his thoughts linger there. He concentrated on the woman in his arms, whispering words of comfort to her until her sobs finally ceased. He pulled away to look at her, without releasing her from his arms. She managed a shaky attempt at a smile. While it wasn't too convincing, he was glad that she at least tried.  
  
"I can't believe you believed it was your fault all this time."  
  
Monica looked away, biting her lip. Chandler reached for her hands and held them with his own. He leaned in to kiss her gently on the forehead, then pulled her onto the couch with him.   
  
"Why didn't you tell me how you felt? Why didn't you talk to me, Mon, instead of leaving me here to try to live a life without you? Did you really think that was the best thing to do?"  
  
Monica sighed, willing herself not to dissolve into tears again. "No, of course not. But that was the problem, Chandler, I wasn't thinking. I was…depressed, I guess. If I had been myself, I never would have left you. But, sweetie, every time I looked at you, I saw how much you were hurting. And I couldn't stand it, because I felt responsible. Don't you see? I thought it would be easier for both of us if I left. And deep down, I knew that it was a bad decision, but back then I didn't care. That's why I left so quickly, without telling you why. I knew you would try to talk me out of it, and I truly thought it would be better if we were apart."  
  
"But Mon-"  
  
"Chandler, I know. I know now that it was the worst thing I could've done. I mean, look at us now. Look what I've done to us. We would be married now, if I hadn't thrown it all away. We could have helped each other, if I had talked to you, or let you talk to me. But I didn't. And I'm sorry. If I could do it again, I would change everything, Chandler, but I can't. My only excuse is that I was grieving too much to realize what was happening. And you'll have to be content with that, because I don't have any other explanation."  
  
"You're telling me that you left me because you thought I blamed you?"  
  
Monica paused and thought for a minute. "Well, yeah. I blamed myself so much that I couldn't help thinking that you did too."  
  
"You know I didn't, right? I don't, Mon. Really."  
  
"I know. But you were so, so upset, Chandler. Almost more upset than I was. I hated seeing you like that."  
  
Chandler sighed and leaned back against the cushions. "I know. I hated seeing you so hurt and upset, too. Especially when you wouldn't talk to me about it."  
  
"Do you understand now? I mean, did I answer your question?"  
  
Chandler closed his eyes and nodded slowly. "Yeah. I mean, I understand as much as I ever will. I just wish…" He let the thought trail off, and Monica nodded in agreement.  
  
"We both wish things had turned out different."  
  
They sat in silence, both contemplating the same question. Finally, Chandler asked it.  
  
"So, um, wh-what now?"  
  
"I, I don't know."  
  
Chandler stood up and offered his hand. Monica took it and he pulled her up and into a hug. He kissed her softly on the cheek, and whispered into her ear.  
  
"I'm glad we talked. I feel better now."  
  
Monica nodded in agreement. "I know. Me too."  
  
Chandler pulled away a little and gave her a small smile. "I know we have a lot more to work out, but I'm starving. Wanna have lunch?"  
  
Monica smiled, relieved that he was acting more normal. "I'll get my jacket."  
  
  
  
  
  
To Be Continued....Depending on reviews. 


	2. Chapter Two

TOW MONICA GOES HOME - Part Two  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters...  
  
  
  
  
Rachel sat down with her cup of coffee and looked around at her friends.  
  
"So what do you think they're doing?"  
  
Ross shrugged and Phoebe was silent, but Joey smiled and nodded knowingly.  
  
"Making up…" (AN: Think "Grandma's chicken salad" in TOW The One Hundredth…)  
  
Rachel shot him an annoyed glance, and he got defensive.  
  
"Hey, they could be! They haven't spoken to each other in a year! That's a lot of make up sex!"  
  
Ross exhaled loudly and looked at Joey.  
  
"First of all, that's my SISTER! Second of all, what makes you think they made up at all? Maybe they're still fighting."  
  
"But they will make up, right?" Joey's face suddenly turned worried. "I mean, they can't keep fighting forever. They're lobsters, right Phoebs?"  
  
Phoebe sighed and gave Joey a condescending smile. "No, Ross and Rachel were the lobsters. Not that it matters. I mean, you know, look what happened with them."  
  
She shot both of them an evil look, and Joey joined in, staring at them scornfully.  
  
"Yeah. What got into you guys anyway? Now Monica and Chandler can't be lobsters."  
  
"Well, if you really want me to-" Ross started, but was interrupted quickly by Rachel.  
  
"Ross, we all know the story. And no matter how many times you say it, it still doesn't make it right."  
  
Ross leaned back in his chair, sulking. "Well, fine. But we did get married, that must count for…crabs or something."  
  
Phoebe rolled her eyes. "Ross, everybody knows that crabs aren't monogamous. At least the males aren't. They can mate with one crab, and move on to the next in like, five-Ohhhh. Okay, you two can be crabs."  
  
"But I don't want to be crabs, Phoebs!" Rachel stopped, thought about what she had just said, and sat back. "But we were talking about Chandler and Monica."  
  
"Right." Phoebe nodded. "Chandler and Monica. Well, I think they made up. I'm getting very happy vibes from them."  
  
Joey smiled, relieved. "Are you getting sex vibes too, Phoebs?"  
  
"Yeah, Joey, but I can't tell if it's from Chandler and Monica. If you're too close, you completely mess up my sex readings."  
  
Joey sat back and crossed his arms, proud of himself. "Yeah, baby." When Ross and Rachel gave him disgusted looks, he sat up straight and uncrossed his arms.   
  
"Hey, but what about Chandler and Monica?"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"So, it turned out that the girl across the hall was the daughter of the owner of this great Italian restaurant, and he offered me an assistant chef position. I took it, of course. It doesn't pay as much as Allessandro's did, but Minneapolis is also a lot cheaper than New York."  
  
Chandler nodded quietly, a little distressed by the smile on her face. It looked like she was happy there. It was selfish, but he had wanted to hear that she was miserable, that any life without him had no perks whatsoever. He was disappointed, but tried to hide his feelings behind what he hoped was an encouraging smile.  
  
"So you like it there, huh?"  
  
Monica looked down at what was left of her salad. "I guess so. I mean, it's not New York, but things have gone okay for me there."  
  
Chandler nodded again, and motioned to the waitress that they were ready for the check. He paid it quickly, and they left the restaurant.  
  
"Anywhere in particular you want to go?"  
  
Monica thought for a second, then turned to him with a little smile. "Can we go to Central Perk? Even though we just ate, I've really missed just hanging out on that couch."  
  
"Sure. Whatever you want."  
  
A few minutes later, they entered the coffee house. Chandler put out a hand to stop Monica in the doorway, and motioned to their friends, who were talking quietly on the couch.   
  
"How much you wanna bet they're talking about us?" He whispered in her ear, and Monica almost laughed. It was obvious by the intense expressions on their faces that they were gossiping about someone. And she and Chandler were the only two people they knew that weren't involved in the conversation.   
  
"Betting always got us in trouble before." Monica whispered back. "But this time I think it's safe to assume you're right."  
  
Chandler sauntered over to the couch with Monica right behind him, and listened for just a moment before he tapped Rachel on the shoulder. She turned around, guilt already written on her face.  
  
"Don't you know you're not supposed to talk about people when they're right behind you, Rach?"   
  
"Don't you know it's not nice to sneak up on people, Chandler?" Rachel retorted, unaffected by Chandler's accusation. "Besides, we weren't talking about you. We were, um, just… guessing..."  
  
"Care to fill us in, Rach?" Monica tried to sound threatening, but it was all she could do to keep from laughing.   
  
Rachel shot a panicked look at Ross, then back at Monica. "Nooo..."  
  
Monica shook her head and went to the counter to order coffee. As soon as she stepped away, Phoebe grabbed Chandler and pulled him down onto the couch.  
  
"So?"  
  
"So?" He mimicked her, knowing exactly what she was asking, but unsure of how to answer it.   
  
"So, are you back together?"   
  
"Back together? Yeah, that would be no. We talked and got some things out in the open, but it's just not that-" He was interrupted when Monica made her way back to him, and handed him a cup of coffee. She sat down at the table, glancing at them over her cup. The small table had never seemed separate from the couch and coffee table before, but now she felt like she was miles away from the rest of them. They had stopped talking as soon as she returned, and she felt very much like an outsider. At any other time, Phoebe and Rachel would have pulled her into the ladies' room and questioned her intensely about the events of the day. But it was obvious from their seating arrangement and Chandler's nervous face that they had chosen to question him instead. She sighed, and spoke up nervously.  
  
"You don't have to stop talking just because I'm back."  
  
Joey gave her a bright smile, and rose from his spot on the end of the couch to sit with her. Monica gave him a grateful look, and Chandler kicked himself for not thinking to sit with her himself. He felt even worse when Joey leaned toward Monica and whispered to her, but loudly enough for the rest to hear.  
  
"They're just embarrassed 'cause they were trying to get Chandler to tell them what you talked about today."  
  
Rachel and Phoebe blushed, and Chandler cleared his throat awkwardly. Monica gave him a slight smile.  
  
"And what did Chandler tell you?"  
  
"I told them that we talked about some things, and everything else is between you and me."  
  
His eyes met Monica's, and she thanked him silently. He gave her a slight nod, then turned to the others, hoping to divert attention away from himself and Monica.  
  
"What have you guys been doing all day? Just sitting around the coffeehouse gossiping?"  
  
"Do we do anything else?"  
  
"Well…No, I guess not."  
  
They contemplated that for a moment, until Phoebe threw her hands in the air and screamed out excitedly.  
  
"Ooh, Ross and Rachel are crabs!"  
  
Chandler and Monica shot each other confused looks as Ross and Rachel flushed and shrunk down in their chairs.  
  
"Well, I know that changes my life…" Chandler remarked with a smirk.  
  
"And there it is. Monica's back for a day, and Chandler's right back to being sarcastic and annoying. Just when I was getting used to him being all moody and depressed all the time."  
  
Chandler glanced at Ross, trying to come up with a quick comeback, but actually thinking about his comment. It was true, he was sure. He hadn't been "normal" since she left. He looked over at Monica, who was watching him for his reaction. He knew that things were far from resolved between them, but he had to admit that just having her near him made him feel more like himself. Chandler pushed the thought away and stood up.  
  
"Well, sarcastic or not, I still have some shopping to do for a certain girl's birthday." He grinned at Rachel, who blushed and tried to hide her excitement. "I'll see you guys later." He glanced at Monica, and motioned with his head toward the door. She got the message, and walked out with him, away from the curious eyes of their friends.   
  
"Can we meet up again later? I want to give you some time with everyone else, but I'd really like to see you tonight."  
  
"Of course. Do you want me to cook?"  
  
Chandler smiled shyly at her. "That sounds great. It seems like forever since I've tasted your food. I've been living on take-out and Rachel's version of eggs."  
  
"I'll make your favorite then. Macaroni and cheese with hotdogs."  
  
Chandler laughed. "You can make whatever you want. You know I love anything you cook. I'll be home by six, so I'll just meet you there, okay?"  
  
"Okay." She marveled at how routine it sounded. And amazingly enough, she was actually looking forward to the evening with him. Only a day ago, she had been afraid to even be in the same room with him.  
  
Chandler hesitated, then brushed his lips lightly against her forehead. "I'll see you then. Enjoy your afternoon."  
  
Monica nodded, a little surprised by the kiss, but touched. "I will. And good luck finding something Rachel will actually keep."  
  
Chandler laughed and waved his hand as he walked away. Monica stood there for a moment, watching his familiar figure move down the street, then walked back into Central Perk and her curious friends.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hey, Monica, I'm back!"  
  
He glanced around the apartment, wondering where she was. He could smell the food cooking, and knew that she had followed through on her promise to make his favorite. He was laying his bag down on the couch when she came out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, and looking self-conscious.  
  
"Hey. You're back sooner than I thought."  
  
"Uh…yeah." He swallowed, trying not to focus on her. "I already had something in mind, so it didn't take me as long as it usually does." He looked down at his feet, as embarrassed about being embarrassed as he was about her lack of clothing. It had never bothered him before, even before they had started dating, but now he could feel the color creeping into his face.  
  
"Okay. Well, I'll, um, go get dressed." Monica escaped quickly into the bedroom and shut the door behind her, surprised to find herself wishing she had showered at Ross's. She hated feeling self-conscious around him, especially when it was for such a silly reason. She couldn't help thinking that either of them dressed in a towel used to be a good excuse to get naked, but didn't let herself dwell on the thought. She quickly changed into the dress she had already laid out, momentarily wondering if it was too much for a casual evening with Chandler. She put it on anyway, and quickly put her hair in a clip before walking out. He spoke to her from the couch as soon as she came back into the room.   
  
"We used to put both of our names on the card."  
  
Monica paused, surprised by his bluntness. She had expected them to tiptoe around their relationship, or lack thereof, until after dinner - if they discussed it at all.   
  
"Yeah…I remember the first time I signed both of our names. I sat there and stared at them for like half an hour…" Monica trailed off, not wanting to travel down that path. "So, what did you get Rachel?"  
  
Chandler sighed, and pulled a box out of the bag. "She saw these boots while we were shopping a couple of weeks ago, but they were too expensive. I thought I'd surprise her. She deserves something special, after all I've put her through."  
  
Monica nodded, and sat down beside him. "I've never had that much trouble shopping for Rachel before, but this year, I didn't have a clue. I finally just got her a sweater, but I don't even know if she'll like it."  
  
"All Rachel really wanted is for you to be here. And you are. Oh, did Ross tell you about the party tomorrow night?"  
  
"Yeah, I know about the party." She deliberately failed to mention that it was the "reason" she had returned to New York.   
  
"I'm so glad you're going to be there. It'll mean a lot to her. Well, to all of us."  
  
Monica gave him a smile just as the oven timer went off.   
  
"Well, dinner is served."  
  
Chandler smiled back, half-relieved at the interruption. "Great. I'll get us some wine."  
  
They sat down together at the table, and concentrated on their plates of food. After a few bites, Chandler looked up at her.   
  
"This is great. I've missed having you cook for me. Not even the best restaurant in New York is this good."  
  
Monica met his eyes and smiled.   
  
"Liar," she responded, but she couldn't keep her cheeks from flushing at the compliment. Chandler smiled too, suddenly feeling like he was on a first date. He laughed to himself when he realized that he had never actually had a first date with her. Not a real one, anyway. He shook the thought away and pushed back his plate.  
  
"Thank you, Mon, that was wonderful…as always. I'll do the dishes, okay?"  
  
"You don't have to, Chandler. I'll do them."  
  
"Well, if you insist, you can help. But I'm still going to do them. You shouldn't have to cook and do the dishes too."  
  
"I always did before."  
  
Chandler stopped and looked at her. "I know. And I'm sorry about that. Things have changed since then, and this is something that's going to change with them."  
  
"It doesn't matter, Chandler. I like to cook and clean, remember? I liked taking care of you."  
  
"I know that, too. But I've learned how to take care of myself lately, and I'm going to keep doing that, whether you're here or not."  
  
Monica looked away from him at that comment, and Chandler closed his eyes. He hadn't meant to sound so callous. He had actually intended for it to sound lighthearted and teasing, and he certainly hadn't meant for it to imply anything about her recent absence.   
  
"I'm sorry, Mon. It wasn't supposed to come out like that."  
  
Monica just looked at him and forced a smile.   
  
"Don't apologize. We can't keep weighing everything we say to each other, or it won't get any better."  
  
"Yeah, I guess you're right. But still-"  
  
"It's okay. Really."  
  
"Okay. But I am sorry."  
  
Monica gave him a smile, hoping to put him at ease, and nodded as they turned their attention to the dishes. The work went quickly, and soon they were seated on the couch next to each other, both wondering what was going to happen next. They had never felt uncomfortable with each other before, and neither liked the new air of awkwardness that surrounded them.   
  
"So…" Chandler began, stopping when he realized he didn't have anything to follow the one word.  
  
Monica looked at him questioningly. "So?" She encouraged, her eyes on his face.   
  
"So…I have no idea what was supposed to come after that. You were supposed to fill in the blank."  
  
Monica laughed slightly, and her laughter broke the tension. Chandler glanced at her with relief in his eyes.  
  
"Do you wanna watch a movie or something?" That has to be easier than this, Chandler thought sadly.  
  
"Yeah, that's fine. Do you have anything good?"  
  
"Well, all of your sappy romance movies are still there, and of course my copy of "Die Hard"…"  
  
Monica tried to hide a smile, and picked up the remote.   
  
"You choose. I'll even watch "Die Hard" if you want."  
  
Chandler grinned and popped in the tape before she could change her mind. He sat back down next to her and sighed happily as the opening credits appeared. Monica smiled at his childish enthusiasm, and tried to get into the movie for his sake.  
  
  
  
  
As the ending credits rolled, Chandler looked at Monica. With her next to him, he hadn't paid attention to a minute of the movie. And she had been asleep for the last hour or so, her head resting lightly against his shoulder, which completely ruined any chances of him thinking about anything but her. After a good bit of maneuvering, he managed to get himself out from under her without waking her up, then lifted her gently into his arms. He froze when she moved her head, but she didn't wake up. He walked carefully into the room they had once shared, and laid her down on the bed, removing her shoes and covering her carefully. He had decided halfway through the movie that he would call Ross and tell him that Monica could just sleep there tonight. It wouldn't hurt anything, and he slept in the guest room anyway.   
  
Chandler sat gingerly on the bed beside her, and gazed at her peaceful face for a long time. He had often watched her sleep while she was lying in his arms, studying her face and wondering what he had done to deserve her. He loved watching her wake up, and seeing her smile when her eyes opened and met his. Waking up alone had been one of the hardest things to bear while she had been gone.  
  
He reached out to gently brush her hair away from her face, then kissed her gently on the forehead.   
  
"I missed you, Mon." He whispered, the words catching in his throat. "I missed you so much. Sweet dreams, sweetheart." He paused, and stared at her a moment before he added, so softly that he could barely hear the words himself. "I love you."  
  
He started to rise from the bed, but was stopped by her hand on his. He looked down at her, and saw that her blue eyes were now open, and she was smiling up at him.   
  
"I love you too."   
  
Nothing else was said. She released his hand and closed her eyes again, making Chandler wonder if he had dreamed the words. He stood beside the bed for a moment, wondering what he should do next. Finally, he smiled to himself, leaned down to brush his lips against her cheek, and walked out into the kitchen to call Ross.  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter Three

TOW Monica Goes Home - Part 3  
  
Disclaimer: Nope, they're not mine.  
  
  
  
When Monica walked into the living room the next morning, she found Chandler wrapping Rachel's birthday gift at the table. Monica watched him for a moment, then walked past him to get a cup of coffee, letting her hand rest lightly on his shoulder as she went by. Chandler looked up at her, unable to keep a smile off his face.   
  
"Good morning."  
  
Monica poured her coffee and sat down at the table with him before she answered.  
  
"Morning. How'd you sleep?"  
  
Chandler hesitated before answering, wondering what he should say. Finally he just answered simply, even if it was a lie. "Fine. You?"  
  
"Yeah, me too. But you should have woken me up and sent me back to Ross's. I didn't intend to intrude."  
  
"Hey, this is really more your place than mine. I just happen to…live here."  
  
"Well…thanks for letting me stay. It was nice to sleep in my own bed again."  
  
Chandler just nodded, smacking a bow down on top of the box. He pushed the gift aside and turned his full attention to Monica, his face suddenly anxious and intense.  
  
"Can we talk about something?"  
  
Monica nodded, knowing exactly what was coming. She was relieved that he had brought it up, so that she didn't have to try to find the words to do it herself. Chandler stood up and took a couple of steps toward the couch, then turned back to face her, running his hand nervously through his hair.   
  
"Okay. Well, last night, you said something. Something really…important. And what I need to know is - Did you mean it? Or do you even remember what you said? 'Cause you were asleep. At least I thought you were, but suddenly you were awake, and I wasn't sure if I really heard what I heard or if I just dreamed it, or if you were dreaming, or if-"   
  
"Chandler." Her voice stopped him, and he stared at her, confused and worried. Monica stood up and walked toward him. "Chandler, I told you I love you. And of course I meant it. I would never say something like that if I didn't mean it. No matter what has happened, I never stopped loving you. Not for a second."  
  
Chandler thrust his hands down into his pockets and looked into her eyes, tears filling his.  
  
"You do? You still love me?"  
  
"Of course I do." Monica took another step toward him, and reached for his hand, pulling it out of his pocket so she could wrap her fingers around his. "Did you, um, mean what you said to me?"  
  
Chandler tightened his grip on her hand, and moved slightly closer. "You know I did."  
  
Monica's breath caught in a quiet sob as she lifted her hand to his face, her eyes pleading.   
  
"Say it, Chandler, please."  
  
Chandler gazed into her anxious eyes, and moved his head so he could kiss the palm of the hand that rested on his cheek.   
  
"I love you, Monica."  
  
Monica's anxious face changed quickly, and she threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Chandler hugged her back, closing his eyes and savoring the feeling of having her in his arms once again. It felt wonderful to say and hear those words again, and he wanted to just get lost in the moment and push everything else aside. But - though he didn't want to - he pulled back after just a moment, gently lifting her arms away from him and taking a small step backward, smiling softly in hopes that it would make it easier for her to hear what he was about to say.  
  
"Monica, I love you. Every second you were gone, I thought about you and wished you were here with me. And you have no idea how it feels to hear you say that you love me back. But the fact still remains that you broke my heart. You left me here to worry about you, to constantly ache for you, and to wonder where you were and why on earth you were there and not here. I can't just…forget that. I wish I could, but I don't think I can. Not yet."  
  
Monica nodded slowly, and took a step back herself, trying unsuccessfully to hide her disappointment that resolving things between them hadn't been just that easy. "Of course not. And I don't expect you to, Chandler. I know how much I must have hurt you… I wish I knew how to make it up to you, but I don't."  
  
"Mon, I just need some time. I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, but I just don't feel like I can trust you right now. I'm scared, Monica. I'm scared that I'll get hurt again. And I don't know if I could make it through the heartbreak a second time."  
  
"I know." Monica's voice was a whisper. She fought to hold back her tears, afraid that if she cried, he would feel obligated to comfort her. "I'm sorry, Chandler. So sorry."   
  
Chandler nodded silently, unable to get any words past the lump in his throat. His conflicting feelings had kept him up all night. But he knew that no matter how much he loved her and wanted to go back to the way they used to be, that would be impossible. They both needed time to work out their feelings about the past year.   
  
He paused and looked at Monica, wondering what she was thinking. She was staring absently into her almost-empty coffee cup, looking dejected. His first impulse was to move toward her and hug her tightly, promising that they would be okay, that they would work everything out. But he refused to make promises to her that he wasn't sure he would be able to keep. Swallowing away the words, he walked slowly into his room and closed the door softly behind him.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chandler jerked to attention, wondering how long the phone had been ringing. He jumped up and grabbed for the phone, fumbling with the receiver for a moment before finally managing to lift it to his ear.   
  
"H-hello?"  
  
"Chandler? Oh, thank goodness. Are you okay? Where are you?"  
  
"Huh? Rach? What is it? What's wrong?"  
  
"What's wrong?! Shouldn't I be asking you that? I've called like five times in the past twenty minutes. Where were you?"  
  
"Um, I was here. I just…I don't know, I was kind of lost in space, I guess."  
  
"Oh. Well, are you coming?"  
  
"What? Where?"  
  
"My PARTY, Chandler! Since Joey was helping Phoebe decorate, you promised to come and pick me up so I wouldn't have to walk in alone. You know I hate that."  
  
"Oh! Yeah. What time is it?"  
  
"It's 6:20. We're supposed to be there in 10 minutes."  
  
"Oh, God. Rach, I'm so sorry. I lost track of time. I've just been lying here thinking since this morning."  
  
"Mon, huh?"  
  
"What else? Listen, Rach, I'll get dressed and be right over. I promise."  
  
"Okay. Hurry, though! I don't want to be late for my own birthday!"  
  
"I'll be right there."  
  
  
  
  
  
Monica glanced anxiously around the room again. It was almost 6:45, and Rachel hadn't arrived yet. Neither had Chandler. Phoebe had told her that Chandler had planned on picking up Rachel and escorting her to the party, and Monica found that the thought upset her. She knew there was no reason for her to be upset. The plans had been made before she had arrived, and she couldn't expect Chandler to break a promise just to be her date, even if things were perfect between them. Besides, Rachel was her best friend, and Chandler had told her just that morning that he loved her. But the thought of her former fiancé walking into the room with her best friend instead of her made her knees weak and her heart pound with jealousy. And on top of that, they were late.  
  
She crossed her arms across her chest and tapped her fingers impatiently on her arm. She had waited all day to see him again - to see how he would look at her and how he would act - and she wasn't sure how much longer she could take the tension. She suddenly realized that Joey was talking to her, and she was completely ignoring him, but she couldn't really make herself care. She gave him an apologetic glance just as the door opened, revealing Chandler with his arm around the birthday girl.  
  
The small party erupted with cheers as Rachel stepped into the room, and Chandler leaned over to whisper something in her ear. Rachel hugged him tightly, then began to make her rounds, greeting the guests and basking in the glory awarded the guest of honor. Chandler watched her for a moment, smiling, then turned to scan the room while attention was on Rachel. Joey was hugging Rachel, while Ross hovered nearby, waiting for his turn. Phoebe was waving her arms in the air nearby, presumably in some kind of weird birthday blessing for Rachel. His eyes fell on Monica, who was standing by herself a few steps away, her eyes on him and her face solemn. He gave her a slight smile, and started to walk toward her after a moment's hesitation. But Rachel got there first, and Chandler knew he had to give the girls a moment. No doubt it would get emotional, as it always seemed to, and Chandler had no desire to get involved. He watched them hug, his gaze taking in his former fiancée's appearance. There was no doubt about it - she looked gorgeous. Her dress was strangely similar to the one she had worn to Ross's rehearsal dinner in London, though it was longer and a shade or two darker. Her hair was down around her shoulders, and she had curled it. It looked like it had when they first started dating, only longer. He preferred her hair long and straight, but tonight, she just looked perfect.   
  
He watched her silently, a tiny smile playing around his lips as he thought about those first days, when they had tried so hard to convince themselves that they weren't falling in love. He knew the truth now. They hadn't been falling in love.  
  
They'd both finished falling before they ever boarded that plane to London.  
  
Monica glanced toward him, and his breath caught when their eyes met again. She gave him a tense smile as Rachel's sister arrived on the scene. Monica took the opportunity to move away from Rachel and towards Chandler.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Hi."  
  
They were silent for a moment as both looked down at their feet. Chandler finally allowed his eyes to rise to her face, and his hands automatically reached for hers. Monica looked up as their fingers touched and Chandler tightened his fingers around hers, trying to hide his discomfort.   
  
"Having fun?"  
  
Monica's eyebrows lifted slightly as she thought about that.   
  
"Not really. But the evening is looking up."  
  
Chandler felt his heart skip a beat as he answered her.  
  
"Yeah…It's looking up. Listen, Mon, I've-"  
  
He was interrupted by an announcement from Joey that Rachel was about to cut the cake. Chandler looked up in astonishment, and questioned his friend from where he was.  
  
"Already? We just got here."  
  
Joey made his way over to Chandler, and leaned in confidentially.   
  
"Dude, it's chocolate. I can't wait any more!"  
  
Chandler rolled his eyes as Monica tried to stifle a laugh, but they both followed Joey over to the table where the cake was displayed. Monica had already examined it and deemed it appropriate, even if she hadn't made it. Rachel stood poised with the knife, waiting on Chandler and Monica to come over before she cut it. As soon as she had, she took a piece for herself and handed Monica the knife as she walked away. Monica just smiled, her happiness at being given back her role as hostess eclipsing her exasperation at Rachel's behavior. Chandler stayed beside her for a few minutes, before wandering away to join Rachel and Phoebe a few steps away.   
  
"Enjoying the party, Rach?"  
  
Rachel smiled, and nodded happily.   
  
"Yes, I'm having a great time. But there's one thing that can make it better."  
  
"Dare I ask what that might be?"  
  
"Dance with me."   
  
Before Chandler could even start making his face and shaking his head, Rachel continued.  
  
"Please, Chandler. I want you to have fun tonight too. And Monica's busy. Come on…"  
  
Chandler just shook his head, knowing he couldn't deny the slightly whiny tone of Rachel's voice, especially not on her birthday.  
  
"Rach, you know I'm not good at this game."  
  
"You're not getting out of this. It's my birthday. Come on."  
  
Chandler stuck his lip out in a mock pout, but Rachel ignored him as she dragged him out onto the dance floor. Chandler shrugged and put his hands on her waist, allowing her to make him sway to the slow beat of the song playing. Rachel put her arms around his shoulders, smiling in triumph. Chandler cleared his throat and tried his best to sound threatening.  
  
"You know, you can't have a dance with the Chan-Chan-man, and a gift from him too. And since you already made your choice-"  
  
"Oh, no you don't. I still get the present too. This dance is the least you can do. You owe me."  
  
Chandler nodded, suddenly serious.   
  
"I do owe you. You've helped keep me sane, Rach. I can't thank you enough for all the nights you just sat there with me so I wouldn't be alone. And all the times you tried to convince me that she still loved me and would be back. And when you refused to believe me when I claimed I didn't want her to come back anyway. And you were right, you know. I don't know what it means for me and Mon right now, but you were right about all of it."  
  
"Of course I was right. Sooo…do you think you'll get back together?"  
  
Chandler groaned, and closed his eyes briefly.   
  
"I don't know. God, Rach, if you had any idea how much I love her…I can't imagine trying to live like I have the past few months for the rest of my life. I don't want to try to make a life for myself without her - and I don't want her to try to build one without me. I know I can forgive her for leaving. I've still got to work through it, but I know in the end I can. I can forgive her for anything, because I love her too much not to. But I'm not sure I can forget. I can't help thinking that every night she works late, or each time I come home and she's not there, I'll wonder if I've held her for the last time. You know what I mean?"  
  
"I know," Rachel whispered softly, fighting her own tears at the situation. She didn't mention that she had been afraid all weekend that Monica would be gone again by the time the party rolled around. Her apprehension meant nothing next to Chandler's. "It'll get better, Chandler. Just listen to your heart. If you and Mon are destined for each other, you'll know it."  
  
Rachel gave him a warm smile, hoping he would reciprocate. He did, then leaned in and kissed her on the forehead just as the song ended.   
  
"Thank you, Rachel. You're the greatest. Happy Birthday."  
  
"Thanks, Chandler. Now go talk to Monica. But hurry, 'cause I want to open my gifts!"  
  
Chandler laughed at her childishness, but promised he would be watching when she opened them. He steered Rachel over to Joey, who swept her back out to the dance floor, while Chandler walked over to Monica.   
  
"So, finished up with Rachel's cake-cutting?"  
  
"Yeah. You looked like you were having fun."  
  
"Yeah, well, you know Rachel. When she decides she's going to make you do something, she doesn't leave you a choice. Especially when it's her birthday."  
  
"Yeah. That's Rachel, all right."  
  
"So…now that the cake is cut, and we have a little time before we witness Miss Green demands our presence at the opening of her gifts…Would you dance with me?"  
  
Monica gazed up at him, her face softening into a smile. She was glad he had asked.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Chandler took her hand and led her to a less-crowded area of the room before pulling her closer to him and resting his arms around her waist. After a moment of hesitation, Monica let her arms encircle his neck, trying to read his reaction. He didn't seem bothered, so she relaxed and leaned in a little closer.  
  
"Chandler, about this morning…"  
  
"Shhh. Let's not talk about that right now. I just want to hold you."  
  
Monica smiled, though her eyes were still uncertain. She gazed up at him, knowing that he was still confused, but thankful that he was at least trying. She hesitantly rested her head against his shoulder, sighing as she felt his arms tighten around her. It had been so long since she had felt the comfort of his arms like this, and she wanted to stay there, swaying gently to the music, for as long as she could. But in what seemed like seconds, the song was over, and Chandler was pulling away. He looked into her eyes for just a moment, as if he hoped to find the answers to his unspoken questions there, then slowly leaned in to kiss her.   
  
In spite of her reservations, Monica allowed herself to be carried away by the kiss. She didn't let herself think about what was happening, or what it might mean. Neither did Chandler. He knew if he let his head enter into the matter, his brain would tell him this was a mistake. But his heart was telling him he had to remember what it felt like to kiss the woman he loved. He didn't think he had forgotten, but this feeling was even better than he remembered. And he knew that he couldn't lie to himself anymore. Rachel had been right. When he listened to his heart, it was all so simple. They belonged together.   
  
Chandler pulled back reluctantly, and gazed into her familiar blue eyes. Without a word, he leaned his forehead against hers and breathed in deeply, closing his eyes.  
  
"I'd forgotten how amazing it feels to kiss you…"  
  
Monica smiled to herself and brushed his cheek with one hand, causing him to open his eyes and look at her.  
  
"Mon…I love you. I was kidding myself to think it might be easier without you. There's nothing I want more than for us to be together again and happy."  
  
"Oh, sweetie. Me too."  
  
"Do you think it's possible? Honestly, Monica?"  
  
Monica thought about it for a moment, wanting to give him a truthful answer. She could see the pain that lingered in his eyes, and she could guess the questions that plagued him.  
  
"I don't know. That all depends on you, Chandler. Can you ever trust me again?"  
  
"I - I don't know. I want to."  
  
"Well, when you decide, you'll have your answer. I can tell you that I'll never leave. I can promise I'll do everything possible to keep from hurting you ever again. I can even stand by your side as I put a gold band on your finger and vow to love you for the rest of my life, but none of it means anything unless you believe me."  
  
Chandler thought about that for a minute, before asking her softly, "What about you? Can you trust me?"  
  
"Chandler, I told you yesterday that you have never let me down. Never. I would trust you with my life. I trusted you with my heart a long time ago."  
  
"But you still left."  
  
Monica averted her eyes, hoping he wouldn't be able to see how much that statement hurt her. But he had made his point. She knew she had to face the reasons that she had left, and she knew that he knew there was something more than just the baby. And she had to face up to herself honestly, so she could give Chandler the answers he needed to cope with what had torn them apart.  
  
She looked back at him, finding that it hurt to look into his eyes. He still held her, but not as closely as he had a few moments before. Monica nodded slowly, acknowledging the truth in his statement, but unsure of how to answer it. As she was fighting for words, she was relieved to hear Phoebe announce that Rachel was about to open her gifts.  
  
"Man, our friends sure do choose opportune times to interrupt us, don't they?" Chandler's voice was thick with sarcasm, and Monica tried to smile. She really wasn't all that upset at the interruption, but she knew Chandler probably was.   
  
"Well, we should have known better than to try to have a serious conversation with them anywhere near us."  
  
Chandler nodded, and surprised Monica by taking her hand and leading her over to where Rachel was seated, her eyes on the pile of gifts in front of her. As the rest of the guests gathered around, Chandler moved Monica in front of him, and rested his hands lightly on her shoulders, pulling her backward so that she was leaning against him. In spite of all the questions that remained unanswered between them, he couldn't escape his desire to have her close to him. He simply couldn't fight it, anymore than Monica could hide the sigh of contentment that lifted her shoulders beneath his hands as she leaned her head on his shoulder. They both caught their friends' knowing looks, but ignored them as Rachel reached for the first box.  
  
  
  
  
  
An hour later, Rachel was gazing dreamily at the large pile of unwrapped gifts in front of her while Chandler half-heartedly helped Monica clean up the wrapping paper and boxes. As he stooped to pick up a stray piece of wrapping paper, Chandler glanced at Monica, trying to read the expression on her face. She looked tired and tense, as if she were simply waiting for it to be late enough so she could make her exit.   
  
He wanted to surprise her with a hug from behind and a quick kiss on her cheek, but he held himself in check. He couldn't pretend that everything was fine between them, and he didn't want to lead her to that conclusion either. They still had to come to terms with the past before they could move on. So, as much as he wanted to put a smile on her face, he simply stuffed the paper and ribbon he was holding into the trash bag, and tried not to be concerned. But he was.  
  
"Chandler." He jumped as Rachel put a hand on his arm and turned him to face her. "Thank you. For the boots. I love them, really."  
  
Chandler managed a smile, then reached out to hug Rachel tightly. "I'm glad. I wanted to do something special for you, Rach, to thank you…for everything."  
  
"Chandler, you didn't have to. You're my friend, and that's what I'm here for. To help you. And I would have been completely happy if all you had given me was the dance, but…I'm glad you gave me the boots too."  
  
Chandler caught the twinkle in her eyes, though he knew she was serious. He gave her a smile, and stuck his hands in his pockets.  
  
"Well, I'll remember that next year when I start wondering WHAT I can give Rachel that she won't return. Can't take back a dance, huh?"  
  
"Never would. Not with you anyway."  
  
"That's nice to know. So…happy?"  
  
"I am. You?"  
  
Chandler unconsciously glanced toward Monica, who was listening politely as Ross droned on about something. Rachel caught the glance, and her face was already worried when Chandler's eyes returned to her face. Chandler just gave her a weak smile and nodded.  
  
"I could be, awfully easily. But I'm still working on it. I promise you'll be the first - eh, second - to know."  
  
"Good. Try to beat Mon, though, okay? It'll drive her crazy if you tell me first."  
  
"Yeah, it will. She hates to lose any game, even gossip. Now, it's your birthday. Quit worrying about me and go make yourself happy for awhile."  
  
Rachel grinned and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "If you insist…"  
  
As Chandler nodded, Rachel squeezed his arm and slipped away. Chandler's eyes went straight to Monica, and he smiled as she gazed back over Ross's shoulder. With a quick word to her brother, Monica broke away from Ross and walked over to Chandler, running her hand wearily through her hair. Chandler took her hands when she reached him, pulling her a little closer to him.  
  
"You okay? You look tired."  
  
"I am. But I'll be fine."  
  
"Okay…"  
  
"Don't worry about me, Chandler, it's just been a long couple of days. I'm fine, really."  
  
"I believe you, Mon. But that doesn't stop me from worrying about you. It's habit." He gave her a quick half-smile and squeezed her hand, hoping she would smile back. To his relief, she did.  
  
"That's better. Do you want me to take you home?"  
  
Monica looked up at him shyly, though her smile was sad.  
  
"You'd take me?"  
  
Chandler nodded, confused. "Yeah…Why wouldn't I?"  
  
Monica shrugged, averting her eyes. "I don't know. You came with Rachel."  
  
"Yes, but Joey can walk Rachel home. They live in the same apartment after all."  
  
Monica sighed, the sadness back in her eyes.  
  
"Chandler, thank you. But I don't really have a home anymore. So you can't take me there."  
  
"Monica," Chandler said softly, putting his hands on her shoulders, and lifting her chin with one finger so she would look at him. "Mon, we both know that your home is wherever I am. And mine is with you. I'm kidding myself if I think I can ever be happy anywhere that you're not. I've been miserable in that apartment without you. But last night, even though you weren't in the room with me, that place felt like home again, because you were there. I finally felt like I could breathe again. I want it to stay that way, Monica. And I'm going to try my best - whatever it takes - to make sure it does."  
  
Monica smiled, wiping away tears with the back of her hand.   
  
"You've always known just what to say…"  
  
"Because I've always known you better than you know yourself." He paused, contemplating what he should say next. He took a deep breath and plunged on, hoping this would be a beginning to reconciliation. "And I know now that there's something else you need to tell me. And I know that until you do, we don't stand a chance. And I want a chance, Mon. I need that chance. Please help me."  
  
Monica gazed up at him, her anxiety apparent in her eyes. She wasn't surprised that he had picked up on her secret. He was right, he knew her so well. She would have to tell him now. He deserved the whole truth.  
  
She nodded slowly, and squeezed Chandler's hand.   
  
"Okay. We'll talk. But you have to promise you won't get angry at me for not telling you before."  
  
"Mon, I don't-"  
  
"Promise."  
  
"Okay. I'll try not to get mad."  
  
Monica pulled him toward her, lifting herself onto her toes so she could kiss him tenderly on the forehead.   
  
"Chandler…take me home."  
  
  
  
  
  
He held her hand the whole way. And he marveled at the utter truth of her statement. They were going home. To their apartment. Not his. Not hers. Theirs. It seemed forever since it had been theirs.   
  
But it was more than just the apartment. Home had a much greater meaning for both of them. It wasn't just the place where they lived, where they were - God willing - happy and complete. Home was the place in their hearts they had both sealed away, that had remained cold and empty while they were apart. And Chandler knew that as soon as they completely found each other again, that wonderful place would be reopened to them. And they would be home again, with each other. Where the most tender parts of their hearts already were.  
  
They climbed the stairs slowly, both anticipating and dreading the coming conversation. Monica just wanted it over with. She would skip the process if she could and just have him know. But Chandler wondered if he was really ready for this. If it was bad enough for her to keep it from him, even now, he wasn't sure he was strong enough to hear it. But he had to. Tonight, there would be no secrets. And by the time they called it a night - whether it took an hour or three days - the past would be dealt with, and a decision would be made about their future.  
  
And he hoped with all his heart that in the end, Monica would be home to stay.  
  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED....  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter Four

TOW Monica Goes Home - Part 4  
  
  
Disclaimer: The usual...  
  
  
  
  
  
Chandler opened the door and followed Monica inside. They both stopped just inside the door, staring at each other with uncertainty. Finally Monica took off her coat and moved toward the couch, kicking off her heels as she sat down. Chandler followed her, removing his jacket and loosening his tie. Obviously, it was going to be a long night, and they were both trying to get comfortable before things got intense.  
  
Monica glanced at Chandler and tried a smile, attempting to make her voice sound lighthearted and cheerful.  
  
"So, did you enjoy the party?"  
  
Chandler looked back and sighed.  
  
"Mon…"  
  
"Okay, okay. No small talk. Just…give me a minute, please?"  
  
"Of course, Monica. Take your time."  
  
Chandler reached over to take her hand and watched as she closed her eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. He saw the apprehension in her eyes, and he wanted more than anything to make it go away. After a moment of silence, he spoke again, softly.   
  
"Monica, you can tell me anything. I won't hold it against you. I just…want to know what was so terrible that it made you walk out on me…out on us...without even telling me."  
  
"I know…I just - This is just kind of sudden. I mean, I came back for the weekend, to come to Rachel's party and to let you all know I was okay. I didn't even want to see you, much less-" She stopped suddenly, realizing what she was staying and what it would sound like to him. "I mean - That's not what I meant, Chandler. I just thought-"  
  
Chandler silenced her with a finger on her lips, not able to mask his hurt at her statement.   
  
"You came back for the party? Not for me at all…for Rachel."  
  
Monica looked up at him silently, not knowing what to say.  
  
"Well, I…It wasn't that I didn't want to…Chandler, I just - It was so hard..."  
  
Chandler gazed at her intently for a moment, then swallowed and looked down.  
  
"So…was it Ross? He's the one that told you to come? It had to be. Rach would've told me if she knew…So would Joey…"  
  
"Yes, it was Ross. But Chandler, I asked him not to tell you. I didn't think I could-"  
  
"It's fine, Mon. I wish you had…But it's okay. That's all in the past." He stopped and looked at her, suddenly scared. "It is in the past, isn't it? You're not going back…are you?"  
  
"I, I don't know. I guess that all depends on whether you want me to stay after you hear this."  
  
"I want you to stay, Monica. No matter what happens with us, I'll always want you to stay. This is your home. You belong here. Even if it's not with me."  
  
"Yeah…But still, you might change your mind..."  
  
"It can't be that bad, Monica. Not any worse than telling me you've been talking to your brother for a year but never called your fiancé to tell him you were alive. And…I love you. So…just tell me, please."  
  
Monica nodded slowly, swallowing hard and trying to gather up her nerve, drawing her strength from his assurance that he loved her. She took a deep breath and looked straight into his eyes.  
  
"Chandler, do you remember the night I told you I was pregnant?"  
  
Chandler smiled sadly, squeezing her hand.   
  
"Of course I do. How could I forget something like that?"  
  
Monica looked down, trying not to let her own memories of that night play in her head. She finally looked up and kept going, her voice faltering.  
  
"Well…when I saw your face that night, I truly realized for the first time how much you loved me. I…I never told you this, Chandler, but I was a little afraid of planning a future with you. I knew that you were the one for me, but I was never quite…sure that you would want what I wanted. I always had my life planned out. I wanted a big family, a house in the suburbs, a backyard full of toys, and a minivan in the driveway. And that was so completely opposite from anything you ever mentioned. I knew you would give me all of that…because I knew you would do anything you could to make me happy, but…I was never completely sure it was what would make you happy."  
  
"Monica-"   
  
"Shh, sweetie. You don't owe me any explanations. I know."  
  
Chandler allowed himself to be silenced by her finger on her lips, and waited quietly for her to continue.  
  
"But when I saw your face that night, Chandler... You were so happy about the baby. There was no sign whatsoever of any fear, or nervousness, or anything but complete elation. And that's when I knew I had been wrong. You did want all those things, and you wanted them with me. Because you were in love with me."  
  
"I am."  
  
Monica smiled, her eyes lighting up briefly before the shadows fell over them again.  
  
"Me too. But that's not the point right now, baby. Just listen, okay?"  
  
"Okay." Chandler gave her a small smile, sitting back and waiting for her to continue.  
  
"Anyway, it wasn't until I was already pregnant that I realized just how much you wanted a family. And it made me so happy to know that I could give you that. There was nothing more in the world that I wanted than to have a family - a future - with you."  
  
She paused, expecting Chandler to break in, but he remained silent. She could tell that he was fighting tears, and wondered if old memories still hurt him as much as they hurt her. She took a deep breath and continued.  
  
"And then…Then I had the miscarriage. And all of those dreams I had for our life together just seemed to…crumble."  
  
Monica stopped, and bowed her head, wiping the tears away. Chandler reached out after a moment of hesitation and pulled her into his arms. He kissed the top of her head, and stroked her hair, his fingers getting tangled in the curls. He wanted to speak, but maintained his promise to stay quiet and just listen. It only took a moment for Monica to regain her composure, and she pulled back so she could look at him, with his arms still tight around her.  
  
"I know how much it hurt you, Chandler. I saw it. And at first, I thought we would be okay. I wanted that baby more than anything, but I thought…"  
  
Monica paused, fighting with her emotions. When she looked back at Chandler, he knew her next words were important. He closed his eyes to prepare for them, dreading whatever it was. He put one arm around Monica's waist and pulled her against him, wanting to give her all the support he could. His free hand squeezed hers gently as she took a trembling breath.   
  
"I thought we could have another baby, Chandler. I thought I would get pregnant again, and we'd have our family, and we would be happy."  
  
"Yes, of course-"  
  
"I can't."  
  
"What? Why not?"  
  
Monica sighed, and determinedly wiped her eyes again. Now that she'd started, she just wanted the words to be said and to have his reaction behind them.  
  
"Chandler…I wasn't lying when I told you that I felt responsible for the miscarriage. I did. But there's a lot more to the story than I've told you. I…well, I'll just say it. I can't have a baby."  
  
Chandler shook his head slightly, confused and unbelieving.   
  
"Wh-what?"  
  
"The doctors told me I will probably never carry a child to full-term. I have some kind of…problem…that keeps the egg from implanting properly in my uterus. I could have done everything perfectly, but there's only a tiny chance that our baby would have survived. And it'll happen every time. I can get pregnant over and over, but I'll miscarry every time…" Monica trailed off, her tears finally conquering her voice. She knew that she had basically lied to him the day before when she told him it was guilt that drove her away, but it had been the truth as far as it went, just not the whole truth. But there were more important things to worry about now…like the look on Chandler's face.  
  
Chandler was simply staring at her, completely shocked. He thought vaguely of how upset Monica, who had wanted a baby all her life, must have been when she heard the news, but then all rational thought seemed to leave him. He could hear himself breathing heavily, but nothing else seemed to register, except his astonishment and anguish at her announcement.   
  
Monica watched him carefully through blurry eyes, wondering what he was thinking. He had released her as his mind comprehended her words, but his hand still held hers tightly. She wished he would say something - anything - to break the silence, but she wouldn't push him. She had had a year away from him to absorb the bad news, the least she could give him was five minutes alone with his own thoughts.  
  
Chandler finally snapped back to reality, and immediately reached for Monica, burying his head against her neck.  
  
"Monica…oh Mon, why didn't you tell me? Sweetie, you must have been devastated. You should have told me."  
  
Monica was surprised that he was thinking of her after she had dropped this bomb on him, but she was glad that he offered himself to her for comfort. Maybe he wouldn't hate her for keeping the secret after all.  
  
"I know…I know, but I couldn't - How could I look into your eyes and tell you we'd never have a child together? You wanted a baby so much…"  
  
"And you thought if I knew we wouldn't have children…"  
  
"Honey, I was there. I've never seen you as happy as you were when you thought we were going to be parents. I didn't want you to marry me, and never have that chance. I thought I had to give you a chance to be a father, and I couldn't stay here and watch…"  
  
"Monica." His voice was firm but tender, breaking through her troubled thoughts and silencing her. "You are absolutely, completely out of your mind. I can't believe you thought that. Yes, I wanted our baby, and yes, I wanted to have a family with you - more than anything. But…Just because we can't have that doesn't mean I would have been any less happy sharing my life with you. I LOVE you, Monica. Don't you know that I would rather share my life with you and never have children than to have a dozen with any other women in the world? Besides, we could always adopt children. And just because we didn't create them doesn't mean that we can't love them as much as we would children that you gave birth to."  
  
"But Chandler-"  
  
"Would you quit "But Chandler"ing me? I'm telling you the truth. This changes nothing about how I feel about you. It just means that we'll have to change our plans for the future, that's all."  
  
Monica managed a slight smile, relieved. Then a concerned look crossed her face as she thought about his words.  
  
"Does that mean we still have a future?"  
  
Chandler just smiled and leaned his head against hers. He kissed her on the neck then whispered into her ear.  
  
"Of course we have a future. And I promise you, Monica Geller, I will make every dream you've ever had come true."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hey Rach, where's my wife?"  
  
Rachel looked up at Chandler, and gave him a quick smile.   
  
"She's inside. You know Monica, she had to start unpacking immediately."  
  
Chandler smiled to himself as he thought about his wife's neurotic habits.  
  
"I know. Isn't it cute?"  
  
"Yeah…sure." Rachel rolled her eyes and motioned toward the hallway. "Go on, she's waiting on you."  
  
Chandler nodded and headed for the door, already smiling in anticipation of what he would find.   
  
He stood in the doorway of their bedroom, watching her pull things out of her suitcase and hang them neatly in their closet. In her concentration, she didn't notice him until he stepped up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.  
  
"I love you, Mrs. Bing."  
  
Monica turned around and kissed him, her eyes shining.  
  
"And I love you, Mr. Bing." She paused and looked around them. "Isn't this great? Our very own house. A real house. Can you believe it?"  
  
"Nope. Now I'll have to be a real grown-up."  
  
Monica smiled and kissed him again.  
  
"Marriage didn't make you grow up?"  
  
"Nah. I know you'll love me no matter what, so I can still be my usual childish, charming self and you have to put up with me. Which reminds me…You have me. We're in the process of moving into our house in the suburbs. There's a minivan parked in the garage next to the Porsche." That thought sidetracked him, and he questioned her excitedly. "Hey, does that mean I get the Porsche?"  
  
"Why would you think that?"  
  
"You have a van…That means I get the Porsche."  
  
"Hmm…We'll discuss that later."  
  
"Fine, fine. Anyway, you've got a husband, you've got a house, you've got a van…"  
  
Monica smiled, realizing exactly what he was saying.  
  
"I do…"  
  
At just that moment, Ben Geller ran into the room, followed by another little boy that was desperately trying to keep up with him. As Ben hurled himself on the bed, Chandler grabbed the younger boy and pulled him up, smoothing back the hair from his flushed face.  
  
"Whoa, Caleb, not so fast."  
  
Caleb Bing smiled at his father, then squirmed to get down.   
  
"Wanna go with Ben, Daddy, please?"  
  
Chandler glanced at Ben, who nodded agreeably.   
  
"I'll watch him, Uncle Chandler. Promise."  
  
Chandler looked at Monica for her approval, and she nodded.  
  
"Okay, Caleb, go with Ben. But don't go outside unless Uncle Ross or one of your aunts is with you, okay sweetie?  
  
"Okay, Mommy."  
  
Ben jogged out of the room, followed by an energetic Caleb, who waved happily at his parents as he attempted a lopsided gallop. Monica and Chandler watched them go, smiles on both their faces. Chandler turned back to his wife and pulled her close, kissing her forehead and resuming his speech as if they hadn't been interrupted.  
  
"And you've got a little boy, and you've got a little girl. All we need is some toys in the yard, and I think you'll have all you ever wanted."  
  
Monica smiled at him, tears in her eyes. She glanced at the bassinet in the corner where their daughter Anna slept peacefully, unaware of the turmoil in the new household.  
  
"Yeah. I've got it all. And it all started when you kissed me that first time."  
  
"Hey, you kissed me, if I remember correctly."  
  
"Ah, details…"  
  
Chandler kissed her gently, then pulled back, thinking about their children.  
  
"We're so lucky, Mon. I mean, think about everything we've been through, and I still love you more than I ever thought possible. And we have a family, a happy family, in spite of everything."  
  
Monica was silent for a moment, before she spoke with a thoughtful tone.  
  
"Do you ever think their parents, Chandler?"  
  
"We're their parents, Monica."  
  
"Oh, I know. I mean…their birth parents."  
  
"Yeah…sometimes." He didn't like to talk about it. It amazed him how quickly and how completely Caleb and Anna had become theirs. He didn't like imagining any other people having a claim to them.  
  
"I do…sometimes. I think about what they've given up…and I think about the gift they've given us."  
  
"Everything we ever wanted."  
  
"Yes. Everything."  
  
"I love them so much, Monica. They're ours, no matter what their DNA says. In our hearts, and in theirs, we are their parents. Thank you…for giving me a family, and for letting me share it with you."  
  
"I should thank you. You kept your promise. I'm living every dream I've ever had."  
  
"You're a fantastic mother."  
  
"And you…You're a fantastic father. I always knew you would be."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah. From the very beginning."  
  
"Does it still bother you? That we weren't able to have children that we made ourselves?"  
  
Monica contemplated the question, then shook her head slowly.  
  
"No, not really. I guess I'll always wish I could have had the experience of giving birth… that I could have given you a child. But you were right. Just because I didn't give birth to them doesn't make them any less ours, and it doesn't mean we can't love them as much as a child we created ourselves."  
  
"See? I'm always right."  
  
"Shut up, Chandler." Monica kissed him again to keep him from gloating. When their lips parted, Monica sighed and leaned against him.  
  
"You were right about something else too."  
  
"Of course I was…What?"  
  
"My home…It's with you, wherever you are. And from now on, it's here - with you and Caleb and Anna."  
  
Chandler smiled at her, feeling the same emotions she was feeling. He leaned in to kiss her, then grinned as he whispered suggestively in her ear.  
  
"How 'bout we really make it our home? Christen the bedroom?"  
  
Monica smiled back and traced his lips with her fingers.   
  
"I'd love to." Chandler grinned and moved to swing her into his arms, but Monica stopped him.  
  
"But first, we've got to get this stuff unpacked. I cannot have sex with BOXES in the room!"  
  
  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
  
Okay, I know that was fast and way too easy, but to tell you the truth, I just wanted the story done. I had other ideas originally, but I changed my mind. Forgive me. =)  



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